The Hagakure #80: Why Coaching (Really) Matters for Engineering Leadership

Are you an engineering leader? Did you go to engineering leadership school?

I thought so.

Because as far as I can tell there isn’t one. Sure, there are plenty of resources out there, from courses, to books, to podcasts, to an infinity of online articles and newsletters. But isn’t it a little strange that despite so much information, teams and companies continue to be so challenging for most leaders?

I believe there are a few reasons for it:

• Teams and companies are notoriously complex and difficult.

• Reading and listening to content provides an illusion of learning.

• Most leaders are on their own and don’t have good role models.

Call me biased given my occupation as leadership coach, but I have come to believe that coaching is the best answer to the challenges above. Not just having a coach supporting you, but even more so learning how to think and act like a coach yourself.

That, to me, is the key to great engineering leadership.

With that in mind, here is what coaching teaches you that (almost) nothing else does.

You learn to spend time in other people’s minds

Coach Steve Chandler is known for helping other coaches sell their services the right way (spoiler alert: it’s by building relationships and being useful). In his book How to Get Clients he writes:

“Every sale of services takes place in the other person’s world, not your own. That’s where the decision is made to hire you and pay a good fee. Not in your world, but theirs. So stay in their world! Keep coming back to it.”

This is no different from any other conversation at work. As a leader you’re always always selling (an idea, a change, an approach) even if you are (or should be) willing to change your mind.

Selling is about influence and people often ask me how they can be more influential. The answer is trivially simple: when in conversation spend a lot of time in other people’s minds, not yours. The time to be inside your head is when you’re by yourself, making sense of things.

Coaching is all about helping other people change (in some way). And we have an innate tendency to resist change. A good coach learns how to spend time in the other person’s mind, curious about their belief systems and mental models until it becomes second nature to do so.

You learn to be curious and ask questions

Michael Bungay Stanier has an interesting take on coaching. He says “it’s about staying curious a little bit longer.” Spot on. He also talks about “avoiding the advice trap.” That’s also spot on.

As a coach, this has been one of my steepest learning curves. I am full of opinions and ideas about things, particularly if I walked a similar path to my clients before. But the danger that I’ll be giving the wrong advice is high. I am not them, I am not in their unique situation. And all too often, the real challenge is not the one they present with—but something underneath it.

Being curious is a form of love and caring in action. People feel that. And when people feel cared for, it brings out the best in them.

My clients often bring situations into our sessions where someone frustrated them, or made them angry. I remind them to try their best to catch the anger arising inside them and transform it into curiosity—and then to put that in action by way of asking genuine questions.

You learn to (really) listen

As communication expert and author Andy Stanley once put it, "Leaders who don't listen will eventually be surrounded by people who have nothing to say."

How sad is it for the people that have no idea what is going on around them, because they never listen?

Listening is a coach’s most important tool. Truly listening to someone else is a deep show of respect.

Co-Active Coaching, for example, distinguishes 3 levels of listening:

• Level 1: Internal Listening. You’re primarily focused on your own internal dialogue, thoughts, and reactions while the other person is speaking. Being aware at this level is necessary to avoid getting carried away (and acting out) on biases, prejudices, or other emotions that lead to unproductive action. But you should spend little time here otherwise.

• Level 2: Focused Listening. This is where you direct full attention and focus on the client and their words, without being distracted by internal thoughts or judgments. It requires you to set aside your own agenda, assumptions, and biases (monitored at Level 1).

• Level 3: Global Listening. This is the deepest level. You’re not only attuned to the words but also to the underlying emotions, body language, intentions, and energy present in the conversation. This is when the other person truly feels heard, and where the conversation can lead to outstanding outcomes.

While the coach does not have the accountability and pressures a leader has, it is still through other people that the leader gets most of the outcome. Listening well is the means through which you allow the best in others to surface.

Also: good listeners learn faster. And in a complex environment there’s nothing more important than learning—and adapting.

You learn to believe in the other’s potential

Carl Rogers, one of the founders of humanistic psychology, is known for his development of client-centered therapy. This emphasizes empathy, unconditional positive regard, and authenticity. That’s in part why in coaching we have this fundamental belief in the client’s potential.

But how often do leaders demean their direct reports in the way they act towards them? Or simply just tell them what to do because they implicitly assume others are not “on the level”?

The reality is that you don’t have to have this unconditional positive regard. But just like not trusting by default means you will miss out on a lot of great relationships, not showing up for others this way means it’s likely only people that automatically click with you will do well under your leadership.

If, instead, you truly see them with unconditional positive regard then, when they’re acting in a certain way you disagree with, you start from the premise that it’s because of the road they travelled, not because they are bad. This can often be the starting point to a complete turnaround. Unfortunately, I see too many leaders immediately lose confidence and/or keep trying to tell others how to be.

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As stated earlier, being more coach-like means showing up with the mindset and practices of a coach, not literally to become a coach yourself. I find this particularly important in the realm of engineering, as tech folks tend to be more focused on things than people. But they still lead people, not things.

The core of coaching is deep respect, mutual trust, and an exciting partnership with the client. All of these equally apply to manager/report relationships. The idea that there should be a certain distance to “maintain respect”, for example, runs completely counter to all the relevant neuroscience research of the last few decades.

If you do believe that the best results come from your people being at their best most of the time (and I hope you do), then becoming more of a leader-coach yourself is the best investment you can make for yourself—and your people.