TWH#57: Why Candor is Hard
...and how to make it less so.
In their book Simple Habits for Complex Times, authors Jennifer Garvey Berger and Keith Johnston write:
“Feedback is the lifeblood of change in a complex world, whether it’s the kind we give one another or the kind that is available inside a system if you go and look for it.”
This week I’m focusing on the kind that we give one another—when we do. Too many organizations fool themselves that there’s useful feedback being given and received when the sad reality is little more than platitudes and pats in the back.
One of the consequences, as stated by Berger and Johnston, is that “people are trapped inside their own perspective and the quirks of their own, beautifully human brains.” And because companies are nothing more than people working together, this means that the organization itself is, at best, far from operating at its potential. At worst, it’s dying a slow death.
In short, feedback without candor is a waste of time, money, and human potential.
Why is Candor So Hard?
Many factors help explain why being candid with each other is so conspicuously absent in today’s organizations. Some are emotional, some are cognitive, and some are systemic:
Fear of conflict and relationship damage. When we hesitate in giving someone feedback we know we should, it’s usually because we predict it will lead to negative outcomes. That prediction is almost always wrong.
Desire to be liked. Evolutionarily, being part of a group increased our chances of survival and reproduction. When we predict that candid feedback will hurt the other person, we fear rejection in return.
Misunderstanding candor. It’s easy to equate candor with negative criticism. And many often experienced workplaces where candor was seen as impolite and discouraged in hushed tones.
Lack of skill in giving and receiving feedback. Attending a workshop about feedback, or reading a book is not enough to get good at feedback—it needs to be practiced and reflected upon.
Lack of incentives. For all the talk about the importance of feedback, most places have no formal way of incentivizing it (e.g. career ladders are all about “impact” but rarely, if ever, about “candor”).
Lack of trust and psychological safety. This one is a no-brainer, and a form of disincentive. If I have a clear sense that speaking my mind will get my hurt, why the hell would I do it?
Lack of role models. Most leaders don’t realize that they are constantly leading by example, whether they like it or not. And most leaders come up short of displaying kind candor.1
Jadedness. “Why should I bother? Nothing changes anyway.” Enough said.
I could go on. This list is probably far from exhaustive.
Reframing Criticism
A core reason why candor is so often absent is that we mistake it for negative criticism and therefore regard it as an inherently bad thing. Which is why any conscious leader’s biggest leverage is to reframe it as a good thing:
If we’re serious about continuously improving both collectively and individually, then change is simply not optional. And, as we saw, “feedback is the lifeblood of change.” It’s not about fixing, but about getting better.
Let’s say you’re hesitating in giving some difficult feedback to your own manager. You think about all the ways this can go wrong. But an alternative framing is that not giving the feedback means you’re robbing your manager of a potential opportunity to improve. Now what?
It also helps to imagine yourself doing something over and over that really needs improving but that you just can’t see for yourself. And no one ever tells you. How does that feel?
Not being candid is selfish. It really means prioritizing your comfort over someone else’s growth. You may not mean it, but intention is different than impact.
Laying the Groundwork
I have come to realize that almost every time something is excessively difficult in the moment, it’s because the proper groundwork was not laid earlier. Something was left implicit that should have been made explicit.
The principle I subscribe to is to model candor as a leader from day one. Think ahead to those inevitable difficult conversations—what can you do or say today that will make tomorrow easier?
If I was to work again as an engineering leader, I would say something along these lines to each new member of my team in the very first 1-on-1:2
“I’m thrilled to have you on the team. You should know, if it wasn’t already apparent from the interviews you did with us, that continuous improvement is a non-negotiable around here. This is because in this business, frankly, you either evolve or die. And, as human beings, we’re all wired to learn all the time anyway.
Now, you should also know these are not just empty words. Without actually giving and receiving challenging feedback we can’t possibly get better. Being candid with everyone, including with me, is not just encouraged—it’s expected. And it works, because we do care about each other. We’ll use our 1:1s as an ongoing practice for this.
Finally, sometimes we’ll make mistakes. When something doesn’t feel right, we assume good intent always and do our best to remain curious and ask questions, instead of emotionally clamming up or firing back. This is just as important as any other work you’ll do here.”
Do The Right Thing
Naval Ravikant once quipped:
"Don’t do things that you know are morally wrong. Not because someone is watching, but because you are. Self-esteem is just the reputation that you have with yourself. You’ll always know."
I find this to be true about candor and feedback, too. You always know.
So, be candid when it’s the right thing to do. It’s your task. How others take it is their task. Do your task, and have the courage to let them do theirs.
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Until next week, have a good one! 🙏
There’s a great example of modelling candor in this earlier Hagakure.
I did say some variation of this to many new joiners in my teams.